Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Those times I wish WoW was "just a game"

I have no idea if I am yet in the state of producing any kind of intellectual text that is not completely overrun by emotion and comparable to drunken Facebook messages that should never have been posted, but I just have to do something. I have to try to get at least a few sentences out, because that contributes to me eventually feeling better.

I'll start by saying that WoW does not feel good at the moment. WoW is not my haven right now. Logging into the game is not the moment I forget about things, but the moment I get close to something I have remembered all along. It's like a drug addiction and I cannot decide whether to wean myself once and for all, or whether to reduce the dose slowly. And what that dose is exactly, I don't even know. Another question I keep asking myself is if I should let the sha infest me for as long as I become immune to it, or at least numb, or if I should try to push it away.

Truth is that WoW is not just a game. While I now wish I didn't always stick my heart in absolutely everything I do, that is exactly what makes WoW as it is. It's a game people play with their hearts. They've grown up with WoW and experienced life-changing events as a person who plays World of Warcraft. That's not to say I'm happy with how I feel, because it's bloody hurts. But that's life, and that's WoW. WoW is the only game I am willing to play even when it doesn't make me happy, and I don't even know why that is. Maybe it's special, maybe I'm just tied to it. Quitting WoW was never an option. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference if I did, maybe some people's WoW days would just shape back into what they were before they knew me. But I don't play World of Warcraft because it's a good game. I play it because it's my game, because it's permanently a part of me, whether I want it or not.

Good loa do I feel bad, though. There's no denying that. I absolutely hate feeling this way, but I also see melancholy as something beautiful. I'm emo like that, yes. Or just too much of a Finn. I can't help but wonder what things will be like from now on. Maybe now I can complete Loremaster of Outland and take some pleasure in it. Maybe now I won't feel like interfering someone else's domain. Or maybe I will find myself sitting on that bridge in Howling Fjord just staring at Skorn, because that view makes my soul rest. But what do you do when absolutely everything reminds you of something in particular? Do you just colour new content with new memories, or is it just a matter of getting used to it? Time gilds memories, does it not?

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